Let’s get to the ugly.
Welcome to “F*ck it, Mask Off”
Since I started writing this blog (maybe a week ago) I have been participating in the “F*ck it, Mask off” portion of the presentation of my self-concept and real-life experiences.
Here’s a few recurring thoughts I have most, if not every day.
I think to myself,
“I don’t want anyone to talk to me. Conversation is meaningless… They don’t really know me.”
“I have messed up so much. I have squandered all of my talent and intelligence. There is no way I can have a successful future.”
“If I do not kick my life into gear and get a career where I feel like I can sufficiently contribute financially to my significant other by the time I’m thirty-five, I will kill myself.”
(I am not suicidal. It’s a THOUGHT)
“Does my girlfriend even love me? I’m always either grumpy, too nervous to show my intimate emotions, or too awkward to compliment her.”
“I don’t do anything that makes her life better. I think my failures are wearing on her. She should leave me.”
I woke up at 5:16 AM this morning, but I didn’t get out of bed even though I had to urinate. I just lay there thinking how my feet were cold, but I didn’t want to move to grab my socks that were on my bedside table a foot within my reach. I didn’t want to get up partly because of the hamster wheel of thoughts and anxiety that I may wake my girlfriend (who worries about me when I wake too early). So, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep for the next two hours, continuously floating in and out of consciousness for five minute intervals.
I stayed in bed until approximately 7:50 AM. My girlfriend brings my medication to me every morning. Once I took it, shortly thereafter I was ready to hop out of bed. I take Wellbutrin (Bupropion), which is an SNRI, and it blocks the re-uptake of norepinephrine.
Norepinephrine AKA Energy.
“But why can’t you simply drink a cup of coffee or energy drinks?”
You can drink as many energy drinks as you want, you won’t feel the way I feel when my medication takes effect. It turns a light on in my brain (It is in no way, shape, or form a high). It is, however, a pleasurable experience to be able to hop out of bed without feeling like I’m 1,000 pounds trying to take steps underwater with heavy iron chains wrapped around me, making every move requiring maximum exertion…exhausting me. My girlfriend brings it to me because she knows I won’t get out of bed to take it, or will get up and not take it at all. Sometimes you avoid what you know will help you feel better; a behavior I will never understand…. Depression causes my energy levels to be extremely low. So, when I take my medicine; my brain says, “HELLO!? L.A.! It’s time to hop out of bed! You have rested enough!”.
I tried getting off of medications, thinking I could pray my way out of depression. If there is a God in the first place, he wouldn’t make me this way if he were going to heal me. As if he tweaked my brain chemistry upon creation solely because he was waiting for me to ask him to change it back to normal; like he’s Santa or some shit. Also, I thought maybe if I did not speak my negative thoughts and said how happy I was; that I could somehow make it real. Do not do this. It is insanity.
Having the energy to get out of bed is half of the battle. My last post that encourages the making of your bed as soon as you get up, is another small portion of this battle. You may be asking… Now what?!
Well, I suck at this…. but EAT BREAKFAST.
After breakfast, I gravitate towards the couch where I turn the television on to a show and, instead of watching, stare at my cellphone. I am lonely, and I “think” I have no friends. Loneliness has been viewed by professional figures in the field of Psychology as an effect of online social interaction, because this implies a decrease in offline social interaction; thus leading to isolation of self from real-world interactions (Source).
So, find something to do!
I could be on the couch right now staring at myself cellphone (spare me the hypocrisy of my use of a computer at the moment). I am doing what I have found is cathartic (stress relieving) for me….Typing my feelings and truths and sending them off into the infinite depths of the internets (Kenny Powers reference there; if you get it, let’s hangout). So, find that thing that you used to be passionate about that slowly faded out of your life as depression crept in. Did that “thing” suddenly pop-up in your head just now? I bet it did!
DO THAT! NOW! Rinse, and Repeat.
Wait for Part two. “Mask On”…Until then,